I have waited to write this post for two reasons: one, I knew it would make me sad and two, I struggled to find the words to express what I am feeling. So, since it's always going to make me sad no matter when I do it, I might as well try to find my words. I apologize in advance as I am sure this will be long.
Tuesday I lost my sweet Harley. We went to the vet and as I look back now, that was the one and only time I took him to the vet that he wasn't scared to go. There was a strange calm about him, maybe he knew what was to come. The vet examined him and then asked to take him to do some x-rays. When they finally took us back to see him and we came into the room, my first thought was he looked healthier than he had in years. His eyes were bright, head up high, ears perked up, he looked so handsome. I started to cry when the vet told us what he had found, cancer all through his body, a large mass in his lungs, and cancer in his bones. The vet said he had a few days to a few weeks. After the previous night we had I knew it was true. I looked at Harley and there was a voice inside my head, it was so loud and clear, two simple words...
"it's time" I don't know if it was Harley or God but I knew I had to listen to it. The decision was made. We said our good-byes and Harley seemed so peaceful looking into my eyes as if to say "it's ok mom, I'm ready, I've been ready, I was just waiting on you" I held his sweet face until he took his last breath. I am thankful I didn't know of this cancer until then. Our moments were happy and carefree right up until that moment and for that I am thankful. We wrapped him up and took him home, right where he would want to be. We plan to plant a cherry tree there soon, he would have liked that.
My furbaby is gone and I feel like part of me is missing, like there is a hole in my heart. I have lost loved ones and friends before but no of them have left me feeling this way. Harley was a huge part of who I was. I feel like now I am struggling to find out who I am without him. I know this may sound silly to some but Harley had been with me for 11 years, through some of the hardest times in my life. I had come to rely on him for strength and security. He had grown to be part of my identity. He came into my life at the exact moment I needed him the most. As soon as our eyes met I knew we were meant to be together. He was an amazing dog, just ask anyone who ever met him. The most gentle creature ever.
When I was talking to mom and crying she said this to me. "He was there when you needed him the most, he has been everything you needed to get you through those difficult times. You are stronger now and at a new chapter in your life where you will be ok without him. He knew that and so it was time for him to go." She was right. God sent him to me to help get me through, to be there for me. I think he was my little guardian angel all wrapped up in fur sent to watch over me. Now he has gone home, his job here is done.
I found this poem, I couldn't say it any better
The Loan Of An Angel
by James Karas
My cute little boy, who meant the world to me,
Was the life of my home, so most would agree.
This Message to him, I will write with my love,
To my one Sweet little buddy, sent from above.
God showed me his Love, he really did care.
So I wouldn't be lonely and full of despair,
Sending this Spirit that was given to me
,He helped me live in this life, until eternity.
This Loan Of An Angel, who had no deceit,
Made my life so happy, now feeling complete.
I wasn't alone now, and no longer was scared
,A heart fill with joy, with a life to be shared.
My furry friend, filled my heart with emotion
,An Angel who showed, pure love and devotion?
The life that he lived was but for a short while,
He changed my life in his angel like smile.
To My Sweet Harley,
Oh, how I will miss you. You are my sweet furbaby You never ceased to make me smile. Thank you for being everything I ever needed you to be. Thank you for being my strength when I had none, for giving me courage when I was scared, for comforting me when I was sad, for cheering me up when I was depressed, for staying be my side when I was sick and for all the things in between. I will miss you trying to sit in my lap, eating my pizza crust, showing the other dogs who is boss, pawing at my leg when you need a rub, and snuggling next to me in bed. I will even miss your snoring. Neither of us will miss the grooming though, I am certain. I love you more than you will ever know and I thank God every day for sending you to me. You helped make me who I am today.The times we shared will always be close to my heart. Things won't be the same without you. You will never be forgotten, for you left your paw prints on my heart! One day we will meet again and cross that Rainbow Bridge together!
All my love now and FURever!
your mama
*A special note to my sweet husband, Thank you for being there to load and unload and tote around my 70lb ball of fur for the last few months! I couldn't have done it without you, Literally! I love you!*
