Tuesday, October 20, 2009

OK! I'm Listening!

Holy Cow, as I sit here I am literally sick to my stomach. This is not something I want to do but if I don't do it God is going to keep screaming in my ear! So, Ok God I am listening!

I have felt for a week that I was supposed to write a post this morning but, as I sat down at the computer I literally felt like I had nothing to write about. I began reading and came across a new post by my sweet friend, Chelsea, who has an amazing story of her own to share. As I read it I began to shake, I have been struggling with listening to God and her post was that last kick in the butt I needed to do it.

I have prayed alot about a baby, and truth be told God has answered me and I ignored it because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. He has put things on my heart that I have ignored because it wasn't what I wanted to do because I was scared. So I am going to do what I have ignored doing for so long, even though it is hard. So please bear with me as He is directing this post not me!

Some of you know the first part of this post but I must recap for those who have not heard it.

My 2:
Around 4:30 AM on February 21, 2008 I got THE phone call from my best friend, Melissa, "We are on our way". Now I had not been sleeping at night for the past 3 weeks, waiting for this call. She was on her way to the hospital to deliver her baby boy. Months ago she had asked me to be in the delivery room with her, to support her.

I still to this day, have no idea how I went all those months without an ounce of sadness for the child I so longed for. Maybe it was because she needed me so much or maybe it was God protecting my heart. Back to the story....

I met her and Shawn at the hospital as the sun was coming up. For the next 10 hours or so, I stood by her side, holding her hand, encouraging her. After many hours with no progress, it was decided a C-section was the best option (something that the two of us laugh about now! but that is another post) As I walked down the hall I was so emotionally charged, happy, nervous, scared...I could go on but I won't. After 45 minutes or so baby Athen was in our world and I cried because he was so beautiful. I stayed with them until almost 9 that evening before I went home. I had never been so tired and emotionally drained in my whole life. Heath took me to eat at Huddle House and all I could do was lay my head on the table (not something I recommend, by the way).

I finally crawled into bed around 12 that night before going to sleep I prayed a prayer of thanks, thanks for bringing him into this world safe, thanks for allowing me to be a part of this miracle, thanks for an amazing friend. I also had my own prayer, "God, when will it be my turn". After that it didn't take long before I drifted off to sleep. Hours later I awoke, feeling very clear in my head, and feeling very strongly towards the number two. I thought it was strange and that I must be dream, why would I care about the number 2. I rolled over to look at the clock...it was 2:20. Again, hmmm that's strange. About that time I realized the date, February 22 (2-22-08). I ignored this strange coincidence a rolled over and went back to sleep.

The next morning I got up, while I was getting ready to go back to the hospital I was trying to make sense of all this two business. It was such a cold day out and it was pouring outside. I went to the kitchen to get breakfast I looked out the back window. Outside, in the pouring rain were 2 Huge blackbirds (big like buzzard big) they were sitting side by side, looking back at me. I closed the curtains. Then I had to take a second look, This time when I looked out they flapped their wings open wide, but never moved. The two of them, there in the rain. So I am thinking ok...two...hmmm.

I finally get to the hospital and its packed I drive all the way to the top floor of the parking garage and come back down before I could find a spot. I went in to visit with Melissa and Athen, I spent some time with them and helped her get ready for her array of visitors for the day. During that time the minister from their church came by to see Athen and offer a prayer of thanksgiving and blessings. After he left I stayed awhile longer helping Melissa after and hour or so had passed I went to leave. As I was walking down the bridge to the parking garage someone behind me spoke to me, when I turned around it was the minister. We chatted casually as we walked to the garage, when we got to the end of the bridge he said "Are you parked on this level?" My reply, "No, I am down one, on level 2" As I said those words I almost fell over! Really God! He was parked there also, so we walked down together.

As, I drove home that day, I asked God "OK, 2, so what am I supposed to do with this" His response, tell people! I am thinking I am NOT going to tell people this, they will think I am insane. The feeling became stronger, tell people to pray about the number two. I am thinking I have no idea what I would even say or how to say it. As the day passed I felt more and more like I had to tell people. So I decided to tell Heath (because he will still love me even if I AM crazy!) I tell him the whole story. He says" So, what does it mean?" I don't know I tell him just that we need to pray about the number 2. By then I am thinking, "Ok God, There I told someone, are you happy now?" His reply on my heart, "No! Tell more" Are you kidding me! I have to tell more people this, they are going to think I am nuts.

Later that evening I call my mom, it was hard to tell Heath about this but it was even harder to tell her....How do you tell someone to pray about a number, it's just strange. So I tell her anyways. She says what should we pray for, two months, two years, two kids (please no twins God!) finally she says we should pray for clarity. Leave it to mom to have the right answer! We hang up and I think, there 2 told, happy now!!! Nope, he puts on my heart again...tell more people. So that evening I pray for my 2 and for clarity.

The next day I travel to see Melissa who is now at home. When I get there I tell her about my two and I also say, I really feel like God is telling me I need to write about it. I'm not a writer, I have no idea what to even write about, but I feel like I am supposed to write about it. She says she will pray for my 2 also and that maybe I am supposed to write to share my story with others.(side note: I have felt since then that I am supposed to write about this but up until today I have not known where to write it!) The more people I tell, the easier it is getting. So I call and tell my mother-in-law on my way home, now she is praying for the number 2.

When I go back to work Saturday I tell some of the ladies at work, they too are now praying for the number 2. The funny part is everyone I tell is so open to this concept, no one thinks I am nuts (or at least they are not telling me to my face) On Sunday at work, one of the ladies I told said she had been at church that morning and prayed for my 2. As she was leaving church she said she passed by their bookstore and felt like God was telling her to go in and by me a book, so she did. She brought it to me it was gift wrapped in a little bag, when I opened it, it was a book on the Miracle of Friendship, cute but didn't make sense. As I was putting back in the bag, I noticed some print on the front of the bag. "Deb" I said "Is this the name of your bookstore on the bag?" Not looking she replied "Yeah, I think so, why?" I turned and held up the bag for her to see...Chapter 2 Bookstore...we just looked at each other and started laughing.

Since that time there have been many two's in my life always when I need them. I have prayed nearly everyday for my 2 not really knowing what it meant. Over the past few months I have even become angry with God. Why would he tell me to do this, why would he put this on my heart. Did it meant nothing, was it a joke, but still I feel strongly about it and still pray for it. I have shared this story with many of you and I am blessed that I have had so many of you willing to pray for something you don't even understand. So now I get to the second part of my story...

My 4:
A month or so ago I was feeling very sad, overwhelmed and confused. Why would God put something on my heart that meant nothing. We prayed and nothing has ever come from it. I was so very sad that day. When I went to bed that night I thought about something my Aunt Suzanne had posted on facebook...it said something to this effect "If you want specific answers you must pray specifically" So that's what I did! My prayer, "God, how many more months do I have to wait before its my turn to be blessed with a child?" His answer when I woke up the next morning was a very strong 4 on my heart. Four months, hmmm, I could do that, but of course that wouldn't be enough for Him.
Here we go again, I feel very strongly that God wants me to tell people to pray about "the next 4 months". Trust me when I say I feel like an idiot writing about this. I want to say remember God you told me tell people to pray about the number two and look where it got us. Until I counted, October, November, December, January....right up to February. Where, in fact it will be almost two years since he put the number two on my heart.
So he put this on my heart, yet again to tell people. I have tried VERY hard over the last 4 weeks to ignore this. Thinking, what if I am wrong, what if I tell people and 4 months pass and nothing, but then that feeling comes creeping back over me, you have to tell people. During this time I have been reading "Same Kind of Different As Me" and for those of you that have read it you know God speaks to Denver and Deborah They both listen and share what has been put on their hearts and act on what has been put on their hearts. As I have tried harder and harder to ignore this. Through the book their messages that God had asked them to tell people have gotten stronger and what I would think would be harder to share, but they do it. I have almost literally wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and say"lalalala I'm not listening!"
Which bring me to today, which I said earlier in my post, I have felt for a week like I have been supposed to write today, even thought I felt like I had nothing to write about. When I sat down this morning not really knowing what to write, I read Chelsea's post and there it is yet another way of Him telling me to listen! So, OK God! You got me, I am listening"
For those of you who are still reading after all that you must be family or a really good friend! Because I feel like none of that made sense but I feel like it was what I was supposed to do. So I ask you to pray for the next 4 months, I have no idea what the outcome will be but, I have written about what I was supposed to, I need to go lay down now!
UPDATE: 4 Months later in February of 2010 2 things happened the first one is that on a trip to St. Augastine, FL we visited the Ripley's Believe it or Not Fertility Statues...see here...and 2 days later I was referred to a fertility specialist. My first visit was that April (4th month) a few months later on July 22nd after fertility treatment I got my first positive home pregnancy test. 9 months later on 4-4-11 my beautiful baby boy was born. Doesn't sound so nutty after all, God is Great!


Suzanne Noble said...

Brittani, you better believe Aunt Suzanne is praying!!
And your request makes perfect sense to me :-) God will reward your obedience to Him in His way and His time....Love you!

Jamie said...

I will be praying for you and the next 4 months ahead. I have prayed for you many times lately because I know that your heart desires a baby. It is hard to wait on the Lord's timing but I believe he will grant your request in his time! Keep listening to him and obeying. Your patience will be so worth it!

Ashlie said...

I never forgot about your #2 request (haha! sounds kind of funny when you put it that way) and have been praying ever since! I will continue to pray hard "4" you. Love you! By the way, I'm totally stoked that it's actually letting me leave a omment:)

KRISTI said...

love you:)

Mark Jacobs said...

WOW, Brittani! That is an amazing story and I will be praying HARD for you and the next 4 months. I pray that He makes His way clear for you and that He blesses you with a baby of your own!! Thank you for sharing this with all of us and for inspiring others to listen to His voice!! Love you.

Chelsea said...

OOps! That was me, Chelsea...not Mark! Ha ha.

Mom & Dad said...

Your mom and I will be praying for your "4" too. And who said you didn't know how to write?

meschwerin said...

Dearest Brittani,
Melissa shared your blog with me tonight and I am deeply moved by your relentless chase after God! Thank you so much for your beautiful transparency...
I commit to pray 4 you daily ~ and specifically intercede 4 you at our church's Night of Healing Prayer (www.nightofhealing.org)on October 30. I have no idea what the Lord has in mind 4 you, but I can promise you with absolute certainty that HE IS FAITHFUL, HE IS TRUE AND HE NEVER FAILS!!!
Love ya' precious girl,
Melissa's mom

Cassie said...

Brittani, I will most certainly be praying for you--for the Lord to bless you in ways you never thought imaginable! Thank you for the encouragement to listen to God and act in faith!